A few nights back, I was with two of my friends, when the topic of 'Careers' came up. We usually meet up, to drink, but responsible adults that we are, we regularly try to interject our sipping with such weighty matters as 'Careers'. This usually makes us feel good and to celebrate we usually pour one more. The system works well and at the close of business hours a more contented lot will be difficult to find.
The 'Career' question was not about any of us. We were way past that. It was about the son of one of them.
I have been told and till recently believed that children are like the red luscious plum that you find on the top of the cake. They are like little angels sent down from the sky to fill the world with bright peals of laughter and our lives with pleasing mischievousness.
I have been told this by every parent I have met especially when it has concerned their own progeny. I have not doubted it though I did find it suspicious that these parents usually end their description with a nervous, hysterical laughter. But I have always attributed it to their love of their little angels.
This particular child and since we need to name him something, let’s call him Darth Vader. Now DV (lets shorten it as I feel like shortening it) in no way fits the description. Instead of a luscious plum, he is more like the slimy fungus that grows on the cake after a few weeks. He is not a very bright fellow. He is not only not the brightest bulb around but can be confidently said to be of the lowest wattage in the country. There is rumoured to be one of a dimmer status in the North but since records are scanty and unreliable, we can ignore that.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not averse to low watt idiots. In fact I like them. They provide me with opportunities to show my intellectual prowess. I feel good after talking to them. And if I can imbibe alcohol and then converse with them it makes my whole day. Rather the whole week. Love and peace reigns in my heart and I look at my fellow citizens with an air of forgiveness. I forgive left, right and centre even to people who have done no wrong. I know they will do some wrong soon and I forgive in anticipation.
Now DV combines low wattage with meanness, low personal hygiene, a propensity to air opinions, a thick skin, an inability to understand simple words like 'Get Out' etc. To make matters worse he looks like an elephant. His parents have, of course, put him in Aerobics, Bushido, Calisthenics, Dance and so on in alphabetic order till Yoga. They couldn't find anything starting with Z.
They tried donating him to a zoo (to fill their personal ambition of completing the complete English alphabet). The zoo refused on grounds of costs. Apparently upkeep of a baby elephant is costly.
By now, I am sure you have developed a mental image of our dear DV. What career do you think would be suitable for him? Suggestions had ranged from the mildly promising to the wildly optimistic.
To name a few :
Astronaut in the International Space station - this was good as we don't need to interact with them on a personal level. And all we get are murky pictures of them and that too not very often. Plus radio waves do not transmit smell. This was our personal favourite till we realised that reaching there, would require intelligence, grasp of multiplication tables up to eight (beyond that astronauts use calculators or radio back to earth) and an ability to handle power tools.
Waiter at a Chinese Restaurant - this was a plausible profession since it only required a command of few basic words like Schwann, Spicy, Chilly, Dim Sum and Pidgin Chinese (to clarify, they all speak Chinese at least to me when I try to order). We felt DV would be able to handle this. This was very good and to celebrate we poured another one. But despondency set in, once we realised that personal hygiene would be hindrance.
And then, and this happens to me very often, I saw a vision or to name it correctly a solution. The moment was was multicolored, birds were chirping away, and there was peace in me ( I tend to feel this way after a few pegs).
The answer was : A Politician. It made sense. It fitted perfectly. Harmony ruled. A sublime fit of abilities with requirements.
The job did not require education. Problem solved. DV was not capable of being educated.
Appearance was not important. Again problem solved. An attractive persona was not something DV could aspire to.
Hyberbolic. A huge advantage.
Inability to understand simple phrases like 'Get Out', 'Please go away'. Another huge advantage. Our politicians do not understand these things and usually require the help of agencies like CBI, Judicial Courts etc to convince them.
Inability to understand Ethics : DV wouldn't have any problem with this. He has not understood this since the time he was born. He once tried sucking the wooden knob on his pram and cried unashamedly when it did not provide milk.
The only problem, we could think of was that he needed to cross a certain age to be elected. This is only a minor problem and all of us were convinced that he would eventually reach that age.
His father promised solemnly to feed him till then. We again celebrated.
And we parted, a contented lot. Me, most of all. I forgave everyone for a month in advance. Now I need to go search for the recipe book. I need to make dinner.
The 'Career' question was not about any of us. We were way past that. It was about the son of one of them.
I have been told and till recently believed that children are like the red luscious plum that you find on the top of the cake. They are like little angels sent down from the sky to fill the world with bright peals of laughter and our lives with pleasing mischievousness.
I have been told this by every parent I have met especially when it has concerned their own progeny. I have not doubted it though I did find it suspicious that these parents usually end their description with a nervous, hysterical laughter. But I have always attributed it to their love of their little angels.
This particular child and since we need to name him something, let’s call him Darth Vader. Now DV (lets shorten it as I feel like shortening it) in no way fits the description. Instead of a luscious plum, he is more like the slimy fungus that grows on the cake after a few weeks. He is not a very bright fellow. He is not only not the brightest bulb around but can be confidently said to be of the lowest wattage in the country. There is rumoured to be one of a dimmer status in the North but since records are scanty and unreliable, we can ignore that.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not averse to low watt idiots. In fact I like them. They provide me with opportunities to show my intellectual prowess. I feel good after talking to them. And if I can imbibe alcohol and then converse with them it makes my whole day. Rather the whole week. Love and peace reigns in my heart and I look at my fellow citizens with an air of forgiveness. I forgive left, right and centre even to people who have done no wrong. I know they will do some wrong soon and I forgive in anticipation.
Now DV combines low wattage with meanness, low personal hygiene, a propensity to air opinions, a thick skin, an inability to understand simple words like 'Get Out' etc. To make matters worse he looks like an elephant. His parents have, of course, put him in Aerobics, Bushido, Calisthenics, Dance and so on in alphabetic order till Yoga. They couldn't find anything starting with Z.
They tried donating him to a zoo (to fill their personal ambition of completing the complete English alphabet). The zoo refused on grounds of costs. Apparently upkeep of a baby elephant is costly.
By now, I am sure you have developed a mental image of our dear DV. What career do you think would be suitable for him? Suggestions had ranged from the mildly promising to the wildly optimistic.
To name a few :
Astronaut in the International Space station - this was good as we don't need to interact with them on a personal level. And all we get are murky pictures of them and that too not very often. Plus radio waves do not transmit smell. This was our personal favourite till we realised that reaching there, would require intelligence, grasp of multiplication tables up to eight (beyond that astronauts use calculators or radio back to earth) and an ability to handle power tools.
Waiter at a Chinese Restaurant - this was a plausible profession since it only required a command of few basic words like Schwann, Spicy, Chilly, Dim Sum and Pidgin Chinese (to clarify, they all speak Chinese at least to me when I try to order). We felt DV would be able to handle this. This was very good and to celebrate we poured another one. But despondency set in, once we realised that personal hygiene would be hindrance.
And then, and this happens to me very often, I saw a vision or to name it correctly a solution. The moment was was multicolored, birds were chirping away, and there was peace in me ( I tend to feel this way after a few pegs).
The answer was : A Politician. It made sense. It fitted perfectly. Harmony ruled. A sublime fit of abilities with requirements.
The job did not require education. Problem solved. DV was not capable of being educated.
Appearance was not important. Again problem solved. An attractive persona was not something DV could aspire to.
Hyberbolic. A huge advantage.
Inability to understand simple phrases like 'Get Out', 'Please go away'. Another huge advantage. Our politicians do not understand these things and usually require the help of agencies like CBI, Judicial Courts etc to convince them.
Inability to understand Ethics : DV wouldn't have any problem with this. He has not understood this since the time he was born. He once tried sucking the wooden knob on his pram and cried unashamedly when it did not provide milk.
The only problem, we could think of was that he needed to cross a certain age to be elected. This is only a minor problem and all of us were convinced that he would eventually reach that age.
His father promised solemnly to feed him till then. We again celebrated.
And we parted, a contented lot. Me, most of all. I forgave everyone for a month in advance. Now I need to go search for the recipe book. I need to make dinner.