Are Women Smarter Than Men?

This is the kind of question that begs to be read between the lines. To help you read it better, I am giving below an example of two lines. 

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    Now most women I know, can read the text in between the above two lines. Most men I know, and I am also a man (at least to all outward appearances) see a blank space between the two lines.

    This simple test proves many things, like, women have poor eyesight.  To confirm this, I referred to various anthropological texts. Men have better vision to scan the horizon for dangerous animals. This helped them to hide while the women of the tribe, lacking this advantage were the ones to be eaten first. This was fine initially, till men realised they were running short of women. To counteract this, it was mutually decided to put the women in a central place, and since Shopping Malls were not invented back then, they were put in natural geographical formations called caves. Since lighting was a problem in these caves, women developed the ability to see things beyond what was naturally visible, like reading between the lines. 

    You see, how I have proven the above conclusively. As you read further, you will find further examples of such deep masculine deductive logic.

    Second area of gender dispute is on mathematical abilities.  Some people (including a Dean at Harvard, if my memory serves me right) claim men are better at maths. There might be a basis for this. In the old days (before the afore mentioned malls and credit cards were invented), the use of mathematics was rudimentary. All women needed to know, was how many vegetables to put in the pot before it overflows.

    Men who used to do the hunting needed to know how many saber toothed tigers it took to wipe out the hunting party. Since this was more dangerous and of immediate consequence, men developed better computational skills.   

    The third area of presumed differential ability is the area of pain tolerance. Many women have told me that women can bear pain more stoically than men, using usually the example of child birth to prove their claim.  Apparently, from what they have told me, the spinal tap for administering anesthesia is very painful. Having avoided physical pain of any sort all my life, I feel incompetent to answer this conclusively. 

    Women are also supposed to have better communication skills. This has been communicated to me by many women, multiple times. This is a modern way of saying, they talk more. This is true. Yesterday my niece came to visit me and spoke for an hour. Privately, I am still trying to figure out what she said. Publicly, I am happy, as she is happy, that she had a meaningful chat with her uncle. She left with deep sense of accomplishment. I was left with a deep sense of foreboding. Maybe she had asked to use my car, during the hour long talk, and I had nodded in affirmative. Only the next few days will tell. 

    My wife also communicates very well. It usually is about food, a subject I am very interested in. The discussion, usually ends, with me in a warm state of anticipation. I have understood that she is going to make lasagna with caramel custard as dessert. I get kaalan (a malayalee curry) and rice. This proves men are dumb. Or that women are smarter than men. Or that Kaalan is the Malayalee word for Lasagna!

    While I am writing this, my wife came to check on me. She read the first few paragraphs and said 'Hummpgh'. This sound is the most powerful sound in the female vocabulary. It means many things. It is the ultimate multi-tasker. In my house, it ranges from expression of displeasure to just plain lack of any pleasure. 

    I ask meekly, what the 'Hummpgh' means? 

    She replies by saying this is a very stupid question and everybody knows the answer. Assuming you belong to this category of 'everybody', you know the answer. If you still have doubts, contact my wife.  Or ask any women! Or ask any married man!  

Everybody Needs a Hero

Everybody needs a hero. My wife has one. Despite my incessant insinuations, it is not me. But she was gracious enough to concede that if I was the last man on earth, she will choose me.

I have been looking for a hero and I almost found one, last week.  How did I find my hero?  I saw this website (an image extract is shown below).

Fascinatingly, she made 7,397 dollars (about 4 lakhs) a month and she finds it comfortable enough to replace her old job. Mind you, it is just comfortable and nothing to jump about. I wonder what her old job was?

As per the this website, her story has been seen on Sky News, BBC News, Daily Telegraph, Financial Times, Dainik Jagran, Lokmat etc.  Amazing!

Our valiant Bombay heroine was struck by curiosity. With amazing restraint she did not strike back. What did she do? She got the best of it and filled an online form. Now, I would have never thought of filling an online form when I am struck by curiosity. It is such actions that have made her my hero.

To continue her story, she has finally discovered how to beat the recession. Some very fine minds and some people in the US Federal Reserve, RBI to name a few others has been pondering on this challenge. They haven’t solved it yet. It is this rapier insight that has made her my hero.

Deciding to follow on my hero’s steps I delved deeper into the process.  I too wanted $ 7,397 per month. She was spending 13 hours per week. I was willing to work 26 hours per week. I did a quick calculation on my calculator (it is a very quick calculator) and figured I would make $ 14, 794 per month. To round it off to $15,000 I decided to work an extra hour per week.

The next step on this path to richness was filling in the ‘Simple Online Form’. Yes, it is very simple. Almost all the information they asked was optional.  The only mandatory information required was your credit card details. The website was very particular about this. I assumed, they are perhaps, doing a survey for the credit card companies.

Alas, not having a credit card has blocked my path to fabulous wealth.

P.S – On a serious note, dear reader, this is a scam. To prove my point, I am giving below the website’s fine print. It is quite hilarious.

This website, and any page on the website, is based loosely off a true story, but has been modified in multiple ways including, but not limited to: the story, the photos, and the comments. 

My Experience at the Farm

 I volunteer at a farm sometimes. I don't know why, but I think it is something to do with being a man. In all other ways, I am not a man. I don't hunt, I don't go to war, I don't gather food for the family ( the most I do, is sometimes go to the supermarket and pick up some food items and grunt at the packet in a threatening tone). I stopped being a man at an early age and now float in a somewhat ambiguous genderless world. Depending on the situation I switch between a weak man and a very young girl. 

         When I get tired of these roles, I decide to go to the farm and act like a real man. Luckily for me, my friend, John, who owns the farm is a real man.  He can climb trees, remove the husk of a coconut, light the gas stove, cut vegetables, make tea, dig ditches etc. I usually watch with admiration and at appropriate moments clap my hands. I like to watch other men doing such stuff. It is so inspiring. 

         If for some reason I am stuck in a Five Star jungle resort, I would like to be with a man like John. 

         His farm has many cottages for guests like me. It is pretty primitive and does not have hot and cold shower valves. It does not have any electricity, though John's hut has. It remains a mystery why the huts do not have any electricity. But the farm makes up for these shortages by having an abundance of mosquitoes and other things, some of which crawl, and some which are just too lazy to crawl. I have classified them all under a broad heading called 'bugs'. 

         I have been told and usually in a very solemn and hushed tones that they are important for farm ecology. I believe them but as much as possible avoid them. I do not want to disturb the ecology. 

         Many people volunteer at the farm. It is a good farm for volunteering. John is a gracious and patient host. Patience is a basic requirement for a farmer. Patience and money. Between them, money is more important. With money in the bank, the presence of aphids and other such bugs (these are not important for farm ecology) can be viewed with more equanimity. Without money in the bank it is difficult to love them and treat them as another of God's creatures. 

         It is a very strenuous life. You have to get up anywhere between 6 AM and 10 AM. I usually get up early, around 6 AM. I then proceed to take a walk in the farm to check and make sure everything is as it should be. I make sure the trees  are where they were the previous night.  The plants below the size of a big tree is beyond me and I assume they are all OK. As I walk in the vegetable garden, which is a such a pleasant experience, I hope to see a big tomato or a big pumpkin which miraculously grew in the night. This hasn't happened till now but who knows. They must be doing something in the night. 

          The farm provides organic toilet facilities. The thinking here is that human waste is organic (or at least it used to be) and eventually mixed with few tons of leaves and grass and a couple of centuries become what is known as compost. Such compost is supposed to be good for plants. We have decided that, though we haven't really asked the plants what they think. Some people who did not have access to proper western toilets in the early part of the previous century decided that it is good. 

          Post all these mundane rituals and when everyone is awake and had their breakfast, we get to work. I use the word 'we' loosely since usually others get to work. I have taken on the role of the motivator. I motivate, while they toil. Someone has to do it. What would life be without motivation? It is not easy but it is the cross I bear. 

          Couple of hours of highly motivated field work and it is time for lunch. The cooking is pretty communal and everybody contributes. This will give you an idea about the quality of food. If it doesn't, remember the old adage 'Too many cooks spoil the broth'. If it still doesn't, ask somebody to explain it to you. 

          We usually partake the spoiled broth in silence. It is difficult to swallow and speak at the same time, lest you throw up. Just joking. The food is delicious and the hours of toiling (and in my case, motivating) gives you a fantastic appetite. 

          After lunch, we rest for some time. I rest for a long time. Just watching others work in the farm makes me tired. I snooze anywhere between 30 minutes to an hour. I wake up, fully refreshed and ready to continue my motivational work. Other volunteers are already in the filed working but not to their full capacity. It is evident they have been missing my motivational talk. My presence has restored order and work starts in full swing. 

         We break for tea around 4 PM and work for another hour. Then it is time for cold water baths. We again congregate at John's hut and spend some time getting our core temperatures back. Dinner is made and then we spend some time sharing our experiences. It has been a wonderful day and I retire to bed feeling like a real man. 

          Tomorrow is another day.  The sun will rise and shine brightly.  The farm will share its mysteries a little more. May be we will harvest. Nothing beats the experience of eating the food that we have plucked from the land. John will teach us a bit more. Eventually in a couple of years I will have enough knowledge to become a farmer. 

          Till then, I shall grunt at the foodstuffs in the supermarket counter.   

          I highly recommend spending some time at a farm. You can contact John on 973909712345 to feel like a man. The number remains the same for women. 

Better Alternatives For Getting Money

This started as a response to one of the questions posted on a blog. Half way through I realised I did not know the answer. Full way through I realised I did not understand the question. 

Hence, I deleted whatever crap I had written, and here is the brand new improved response. I have utmost respect for the original poster and not understanding is a state I frequently find myself in, and request in advance that you read it with your funny bone close at hand. 

Original Question : 

What Are Other Better Alternatives For Getting Money Than Taking A Loan With High Interest?

Dear Niru, 

 You have, in 15 words encapsulated my lifetime quest. I have been contemplating a solution to the above since I was 20 years old. I still haven’t found a perfect answer. Couple of imperfect solutions to your desire for money, and I reiterate these are imperfect to the extent that none of them have satisfied my inner self, are -

 1. Get a job. This seem to work for most people. The process involves somebody paying you for doing some things they want. If it seems like a very old profession, let me assure you it is not. This is usually more intellectual.  The process of getting a job is reasonably straight forward.

       Firstly, find some area where you think you are reasonably competent (and remember it is enough that you think you are competent at this stage). Then completely scratch those jobs from your mind. Pursuing those jobs will only lead to mental stress and anxiety. 

        Then apply for a Call Centre job. I understand from my varied informers that all you need is an ability to speak and basic intelligence and motor skills to dial a phone. If you lack the intelligence and motor skills do not worry. They have software's which do this for you. But you will need the ability to open your mouth and force the air out from your lungs in an intelligible manner ( they will usually give you a prepared script which will detail out the correct prosody).   This is a critical requirement and the reason you don’t see many mutes in a call centre. 

 2 Donate a Kidney. I say this mainly because this is a popular organ to donate. You can choose any organ that you like or feel particularly well endowed with, as long as you have two of those. Do not donate your heart. This will lead to your death. But remember not all of these have a ready market. 

          In my youth I have considered many organs like brain, nostrils, ear lobes etc. But I realised that I was very fond of them and couldn’t really stand the thought of parting with them. Hence I gave up pursuing such avenues for getting easy money.  

 3. Sell some thing you own, like an house, furniture etc. The important thing to remember is that once you have sold, it does not belong to you. So make sure you have another house to stay in or a chair to sit in. If you have a roof (it should also have walls so that elements do not seep in and more importantly hold up the roof ) or a chair to sit, the rest are superfluous.

         Some people insist on a kitchen but in these modern times it is very convenient to order, and hence not an absolute necessity. A toilet is a good thing to have but when the whole country is a toilet this should not be a big hindrance in your quest for money. 

 4. Steal. If you are not very ambitious or your money requirements are moderate, you can become an ordinary thief. This is risky and I do not recommend it. A better solution is to join politics. Find a party with low entry barriers (shouldn’t be a very hard thing to do)  and join.

        Eventually they will be forced to give you an official title and from there it is plain sailing. You just charge for everything. In some of our bigger political organizations, they even charge you to use the toilet. This will over  period of time make you very rich and you don’t have to worry about things like interest or repayments. 

        Niru, I trust I have given you some ideas to get money without taking a loan. As I mentioned before these are not perfect, but these are what I have identified during my life. I must add that I have not been very successful in implementing any of the above and hence remain quite poor (though I own a house with a roof and a chair).

        But you might be a of a stouter heart and therefore I wish you all the best in your pursuit. If you find a better way please share it with me.

Driving In The City - How Not To Go Nuts

One of the popular jokes of the 70's, during the height of the cold war was on what to do in case of a nuclear attack. It ended with the popular phrase 'Kiss your ass goodbye'. 

     In a similar vein, though not as drastic, is driving in cities today. You can kiss your peace of mind goodbye and soon enough you can kiss your shiny and well kept exterior of the car goodbye. My car used to shine and it used to frequently remind me of C.J.Parker in Baywatch. It used to be smooth all over and shine with a glean  that made me sigh with contentment every time I looked at it. 

      Then I started driving and by driving, I mean started going frequently to the city area. I still shines but only on areas where my fellow residents in Bangalore, have not left their mark. In case you are not familiar with Bangalore, let me tell you it is a very sociable city. People who you don't even know and in many cases you do not want to know, will come up to your car and leave a dent or a scratch. Being an urban jungle, it is their way of marking their territory. Once their mark is left, if circumstances allow they will quickly scamper away. In case they are stuck in traffic along with you and they are forced to acknowledge their dent-making, they look at you with a sheepish grin. Then they sigh, signaling their sympathy at your fate. It is after all, Karma. Your car did something bad in its previous life as a piece of iron ore somewhere in Jharkand and now it has got its due. 

      By this time the signal changes, and your sociable little sociopath has sped off. You are left with a dent and serious longing to change somebody's Karma. If you are like me, you scream and curse the city, the traffic, the police and the whole system. If you are like me, and you are born with a very flexible spine, you will of course do it with all the windows up, so that nobody can hear. 

      And if you are still like me, you will then continue your tirade by listing down the all the injustices your poor car has faced and explain in detail the circumstances, the location etc.  I have noticed this usually helps in passing the time and you reach the city a satisfied and happy man. 

      Therefore, my advise to fellow drivers is not to Drive. Please stay at home. Try telecommuting. I have been told it is a good thing. If your company does not allow it and some companies are just plain grumpy that way, my advise is to drive very slowly. If you can push your car to work, that would be the best thing to do. For everybody and especially me. 

      Seriously speaking, here are a few general tips to remember when driving in the city. 

 1. If you live in the suburbs like me, start early. This will ease the pressure on you to drive fast, thus avoiding risky driving. 

2. Drive slowly. Plan your trip and expect all contingencies. If it is possible and this requires a high level of intelligence, plan only your contingencies and expect a smooth trip. 

3. Traffic jams, breakdowns, punctures are all normal in Bangalore. If you don't encounter any of these, then it means you will arrive before your schedule. Take the extra minutes to enjoy the city and its people. Park you car and  laugh at other drivers. Watch their tense faces and nod sagely at how wise you have been in planning your trip. 

 4. Fill your fuel tank often. As a rule, I fill up when my fuel gauge shows half empty. You can also do this if it shows half full. This helps as you don't need to constantly worry about your vehicle running out of fuel. 

5. Check the tyre pressure. This will help in reducing fuel consumption. Most fuel stations provide air free and since you don't pay for it, it is recommended to get as much of it as you can. Please remember too much air can burst your tires in addition to making a very bumpy ride. But since you will be driving very slowly or pushing your vehicle, bumpiness should not be a serious consideration. 

6. Check the lights. There are two switches for the headlights. You don't need them. All you need is the High beam switch. Wherever you are, always use the high beam. This way you can blind the oncoming driver who in turn will blind you with his high beam. This makes for an interesting near death experience. 

7. Use the horn button often. This makes driving safe. Horn ahead. 

8. Avoid stopping and starting at Signals. This increases fuel consumption. If it is possible, do not stop at all. 

     There are many more tips on safe driving in the city. But those don't pertain to our country and hence we do not need to bother. If you follow the above tips and adopt telecommuting, you can have pleasant experiences with your car. Your car will shine and glow provide you with years of contented sighs. 

A Perfect Relationship

He sat brewing his coffee with the past knocking his door, he knew it was her. It was always her and she knocked constantly. He had tried to tell her not to knock his door so early in the morning. But she did not really understand the concept of time. She did not understand, that it disturbed him. Her knocking, so early in the morning.! 

She really did not care that it disturbed him. It was so simple for her. It seemed as if she did not understand, how complicated his life was. What really pained him was that, she did not even make an attempt to adjust to his life. From the first day that she had come to his home, she had not shown any interest in helping him, to make his life easier. She did not help out in the house. She did not do any cleaning. In fact, sometime he felt he was a slave to her. She ignored him most of the time and did not reply when he called her.   He had to shout, which worked sometimes. Not all the time. This really made him angry and stressed. It was not that he believed he was the master of the house or he was chauvinistic. But he believed it was common courtesy, to answer when somebody called. What else was there in a relationship?

She was so lazy, she reminded him of his previous relationship.    At least it had been a relationship. Though, not a good one.  The similarities were striking. He knew he was a romantic at heart and he knew he was not very wise, at least in matters of the world. Any way, he felt he had learnt a lot after his girlfriend dumped him. He had felt that he knew what to look for in a relationship.

He had again searched for the perfect relationship. The relationship that he had always dreamt about. In his heart he knew he had done the same thing before. He believed there was a perfect companion for him in this world. Someone, who would love him always.

He had diligently looked at all the newspaper advertisements. Visited all the homes.  Met all of them. He had asked the right questions. He had single-mindedly pursued the ideal of a perfect companion. 

When he had found her he had been thrilled. He had made all the arrangements. He had tidied the house. Arranged the furniture, got new cutlery. He didn't want his new relationship to start on a bad note. 

He had brought her home, nervously. He knew it was a new place to her and it would take time for her to adapt to the new surroundings. She had never been to this city before. She would be meeting new people. People who behaved differently from what she was used to. 

How would they treat her? Would they love her or would they hate her? He had never been able to figure out if his friends or his neighbors really liked her. Most of them had not shown any affection or interest. They had seemed polite when he had introduced her. But they didn’t show any great interest in her. 

He had guessed from some of their faces that they found her very loud. 

He knew it was not fair on his part to expect everyone to like her, even though she was with him. 

I guess some people love dogs and some don’t.

Great War

I have just gone through the Great War at home. Not WW1 but our very own Kurukshetra. The reason is very simple and is covered in my earlier posting titled 'Silly Chicken and Sambhar'. 

My wife was the Pandavas (she is always on the good side. Not that I am ever given a choice). She is Yudhishtra usually, and depending on the time of the day and the week, she runs through the entire Pandava pantheon. 

I am always Duryodhana and my 99 other split personalities take care of the remaining brothers. You see (and if you don't, its OK), according to my wife I suffer from Schizophrenia and have 100 different personalities inside me. Don't ask me what is Schizophrenia, since I do not know (I think it is having a personality). I once tried looking it up in the dictionary, but gave up as I didn't know the spelling. 

The earlier mentioned blog, apparently brought out the Stree Shakti (woman power in case you don't know that) in her. She became Shakti Ma, Durga Ma and Sobha Ma (that is our maid) and Yudhistra all in one.

The chosen battle ground was our dining room. She had all the above Ma's and to boot, Dhar-Ma on her side. All I had was logic, reason, a discerning palate and a sense of humor. It was not a fair fight. 

I lost. 

All chicken dishes have been banned from our house. Only Sambhar, Rasam and an unidentified green dish (supposed to be healthy) is all that is being made. 

Did I really lose?